27 April 2020

Grief is a Bitch and Other Random Thoughts

After feeling surprisingly upbeat recently I've been a bit all over the goddamn place the past week or so, so I'm writing because that's what I do. (I also feel that if I can't revive a blog during a pandemic when it's basically illegal to leave the house then when the heck will I ever revive it? Also some thoughts are too long and rambling to constrain to Facebook posts or Instagram stories. So.) 

- Grief is a bitch. It sneaks up on you. Just when you think you've got your shit a bit sorted and even possibly you may be facing sunnier days something comes along and BAM there you are all sad and alone and heartbroken again. And then you get up, again, feeling okay but bracing for the next wave. 

- You don't have good days and bad days, you have good hours and bad hours.

- Some days I just get so sick of being sad. Some days I deliberately don't look at photos of Sean. Some days I deliberately don't listen to our favourite songs, or watch our favourite shows. Some days I am manically looking for anything new. Some days I need a break from remembering. 

- Sydney in Autumn is pure magic. The warm days and crips evenings; the cool, crystal clear nights. The colours on the trees, the afternoon light. Magic. 

- I have realised lately that I don't just miss Sean, I also miss being Sean's wife. I miss taking care of someone I loved, I miss doing little things every day to make him happy. I miss the routine, the daily interactions, the working together. 

- The trauma of being with Sean when he died will be with me forever. It will / has changed me. I have to figure out how to move forward with that.

- I am swearing more than usual lately. I think I get a free pass on that though.

- A few signs it really is the end of times: I actually crave video chats right now; I am listening to music recommended to me by young people and I like it; I have completed two jigsaw puzzles and am about to start on a third. 

- I am so grateful that I still get to go to work everyday and interact with a bunch of awesome people who really do give their all whilst also being funny and interesting and entertaining, They make me so proud to be their boss and, most days, they give me the strength to deal with the trash fire that has been 2020. 

- I loudly said 'hello' to a dog outside the supermarket the other night and thought well that probably sounded a bit crazy and then noticed the guy right behind me also took the time to say 'aren't you a good boy' as he walked past. So, maybe we are all mad. 

- Things I'm really looking forward to post lockdown: hanging out with my sister; going out for dinner (anyone else exhausted by having to decide what to cook / order / eat every damn night?); catching up over wine or coffee; getting my lashes done, getting waxed; seeing a play or movie or exhibition or live gig, or anything that's not my Instagram feed really...oh and TRAVEL, in all caps. 

- Things I quite like about lockdown: not having awkward interactions with food delivery drivers; people showing so much gratitude for posties and cleaners and nurses; having a narrowed focus on what's really important, today; less emails; a sense of community returning; notes to and from my neighbours. 

- I'm going to miss my long late night walks when we all return to 'normal'. There is such a quiet calm late at night, no traffic. The skies have been so incredibly still and clear, and there's a warm glow from all the full houses. You can often overhear snippets of heartfelt conversation, or smell a delicious dinner. On Fridays and Saturdays there's always people out on their verandahs and balconies, sharing a physically distanced bottle of wine or loudly figuring out a playlist over Zoom. It is my current favourite thing. 

I hope you have found a favourite thing during these strange times. 
I hope you are holding on to the bits of your sanity that matter to you.
And I very much look forward to seeing you all on the other side of this x